| it has almost been one year since i've moved to a new city and state. it was done on a whim and was supposed to be temporary but has now become permanent. what remains in new york is slowly being discarded and my connections are slowly dying out. what remains is what i can observe through facebook and from this distance, a lot of it seems ridiculous. but that was my life once- a mess of alcohol and acquaintances, parties, bars, etc. i haven't had a drink since thanksgiving (when we had guests) and the mini bottle of champagne we purchased for new years eve is sitting in the fridge, unopened, because i fell asleep before 2009 rang in at midnight.
i've always wanted to run away from new york so i took the opportunity when it was handed to me. k was supposed to be transfered for a summer for work. so we lived by the beach and i became used to the heat and the lizards, to saying hello to my neighbors and mailman. and i grew to love the nice old ladies at thrift shops (of which there are many here) who seemed interested in me because i was a nice 'chinese' girl. i began teaching myself to sew and learned to make things. k says large spaces promote creativity. our apartment is bigger now but during the summer, it was more of a metaphorical space i was living in, one in which i could finally breathe.
i'm less able to breathe lately. my parents are having issues with their businesses/finances and are getting me involved and even though i'm physically far away from all of it, it's weighing me down. and it may be horrible of me to say but i don't want to be a part of it and i don't want to hear about it. i devoted years of my life to fixing what i could and by the end, was ignored. so whatever happens now is in their hands. so everyday i wrestle with wanting to detach myself and this horrible feeling of guilt at not doing more about it. and i have no one to talk to about it. so this feeling gets worse. and so i'm blogging about it.
k was offered a permanent position after his summer of work so we decided to stay. and now we have time for things, like tennis and maybe soon, a dog. and we sometimes sit by the pool and read. i work from home and have time to cook. i'm not very neat but i'm getting used to cleaning every two weeks. and i finally live in a quiet house, something i never knew growing up. it's literally silent most of the day, with the exception of music, npr, or a television show playing on my computer screen. (no tv) but a few times a day, i get phone calls from my mother updating me on what is going on. and i resent them. she is stressed out and after the phone calls, I am stressed out. and i wish i could just cut them out of my life. forever. and that is a horrible thing to think but i really do wish it. so at the end of the day, i really am the 'terrible child.'
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| the cold heart will burst
if mistrusted first
and a calm heart will break
when given a shake |
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| when driving in midtown manhattan, you have to make optimal use of your peripheral vision and watch for pedestrians, bikes, sometimes horses, buses, cabs. but at certain stop lights today, i felt uneasy and had to check through my skylight to make sure nothing was falling out of the sky.
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| boo, forever
spinning like a ghost
on the bottom of a
top,
i'm haunted by all
the space that i
will live without
you.
-brautigan
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True